Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
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Every time you sing “What a Friend We Have in Jesus” I’m reminded how much I disapprove of My son’s friends.
“OK men, spread out.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
If I get nervous for a date, I just imagine the guy in his underpants, sitting on my couch for the next 40 years, & suddenly I’m annoyed
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
ME: you hear that?
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.