For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
You Might Also Like
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
When does CPR become necrophilia?
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.