Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
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*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”