@robin_991

Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids

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@Coolisiana

(Job interview)

“How would you describe yourself?”

I’m very vague

“Ok, can you be more specific?”

No

@BalakrishnanR

Made my day..

I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs

@PuncherJetpack

I’ve been stealing retainers and throwing them in a swamp so that in 1000 or so year archeologists think it’s an ancient nerd burial ground

@DrakeGatsby

Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?

Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.

@Kunk7

Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥

@Rollmaninoz

Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)

@AimeeHelene1

The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.

@TheAlexNevil

Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”

@e4moji

Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people

My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic

Me:

My grandfather: The Grampacalypse

Me:

My grandfather: Grandmageddon

@HuntPoindexter

My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.