Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.

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Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?

Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.


I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters


My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”


So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma


Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.

Wrapping paper: *rips*


Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*


Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy


Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician