Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
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[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Still laughing at this stupid meme
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.