Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
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My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.