Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

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Chris Brown said he’s done making music.

That’s funny. I didn’t even know he started.


Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you


My son interrupted my phone call to tell me that he was going to die of boredom. I informed him that was impossible since I’m still alive after listening to him talk about Minecraft for the last 5 years.


teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like

me *raises hand*

teacher: yes good example


I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.


*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*


[creating penguins]
GOD: Give them wings but they can’t fly.
ANGEL: Weird, but okay.
GOD: Put a bunch of them in Antarctica.
ANGEL: Uhh..
GOD: Oh, and make them wear a tux.
ANGEL: Is everything okay at home?


Today’s tea:

) ) )
) ( ) )
_(___(____)____(___(__ _
if white people /
invaded half of / __
the world for / |
spices, why do /——
they not use it /


[reading online survey]

Are you ready to double your satisfaction?

My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.

*clicks yes*