Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
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Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
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