Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
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I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Great Canadian literature.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔
So, I turned it into wine.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.