#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
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Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Bloody internet 😳
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.