If you think the USA can shoot down nuclear missiles fired by North Korea just remember we couldn’t even have lights at the Super Bowl.
Foreigner: I wanna know what love is..
Me: It’s a feeling you get when..
Foreigner: I want you to show me..
Me: Ok, like wow. We just met
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ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
911: Did you ring yesterday?
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
[Turns to stranger at McDonald’s]
So what you gonna get?
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
“doctor, help! my son shattered one of his kneecaps!”
it’s ok, the human body can survive on one kid-knee
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never