@TheMichaelRock

Foreigner: I wanna know what love is..

Me: It’s a feeling you get when..

Foreigner: I want you to show me..

Me: Ok, like wow. We just met

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@KrunkedRobot

If you think the USA can shoot down nuclear missiles fired by North Korea just remember we couldn’t even have lights at the Super Bowl.

@Shen_the_Bird

ghost me: baaaaaa

guy: are you saying baa instead of boo

ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out

@Rollinintheseat

If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.

@sixfootcandy

Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”

@ArfMeasures

911: Did you ring yesterday?

Boy: No

911: Day before?

Boy: Definitely not

911: Your voice is familiar

Boy: Please just help

911: Ok can you describe your attacker?

Boy: It’s a wolf

911: Oh for fu

@trentistweeting

“doctor, help! my son shattered one of his kneecaps!”
it’s ok, the human body can survive on one kid-knee

@clichedout

I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never