@BoomBoomBetty

Foreigner: I want to know what love is.

Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.

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@FunnyBison

INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!

@thenashleysays

the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”

@TheTweetOfGod

The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.

@TweetPotato314

date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens

me: OMG!

date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two

me: phew

date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you

@ClichedOut

my mom: curfew’s 9:00

me: please mom i’m in a gang now

my mom:

me: how about 9:15

@nachosarah

if we’re on a date and you’re rude to the waiter I’d be like holy shit I’m on a date

@ramblinma

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.