Foreigner: I want to know what love is.

Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.

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INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!


the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”


The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.


date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens

me: OMG!

date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two

me: phew

date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you


my mom: curfew’s 9:00

me: please mom i’m in a gang now

my mom:

me: how about 9:15


if we’re on a date and you’re rude to the waiter I’d be like holy shit I’m on a date


My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.