Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
You Might Also Like
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.