FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.

COP: How can you be sure?

GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.

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Based on how much my bones and joints pop when I work out, I’m pretty sure I’m 80% rice krispies.


Happy Columbus Day! Celebrate by going to the wrong house after work then claiming it as your own.


interviewer: how are you with excel

me: i hate it

interviewer: an experienced user then


Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?


Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.


You can tell a lot about a person by the type of car they drive. For example, if they drive a Taxi, they’re probably a cab driver.


[surprising my bf at work]

Me: Hey you *wink*

Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave


Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: There is a sale on Cinnamon Bun Oreos

Officer: Get in my car it’s faster


I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.


Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.

The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.