[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
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I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
so weird how every mom was born today
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
#Caturday
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community