Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
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You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Cucumbers Anonymous
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Big Sex has us all fooled
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.