Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags

Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake

What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?

*Meanwhile on a date*

Her: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a photographer.

Her: Wow, really?

Me: Yes. I picture us together.

*Slaps knee*

Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad

me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one

Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.

kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance

HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.

The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

i want to work in this restaurant

money maker

Good morning ☺️

*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend

Me: I just heard a noise

WebMD: Cancer

Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.

After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:

“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.

son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away

It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.

DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes

HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.

*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance

When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up

I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers

Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..

aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.

by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood

Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.

The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.

My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???