GF: Oh god it’s a bear!

Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*

GF: What are you doing?

Me: Making myself look big

Bear: Well hi

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My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.


Running away doesnt help you with your problems, unless you’re fat. Then yeah, run.


[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did

MOM: Whereโ€™s your father?


Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”


Women, don’t tell us about your boyfriend. He’s a guy. We know what he’s like.


Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?


Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!