I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!
Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
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My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
When Doves get married in a parallel universe they release screaming humans from the cage.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.