@MarfSalvador

[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!

Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*

GF: What are you doing?

Me: Making myself look big

Bear: Well hi

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@ddsmidt

I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.

@JohnLyonTweets

My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.

@tastefactory

People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.

@Laser_Cat

I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.

@Blarebare

I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.

@LnL245

Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.

@noxxhell

When Doves get married in a parallel universe they release screaming humans from the cage.

@EndhooS

reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery

me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes