[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
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“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.