[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
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Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer