[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
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Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
They must have gotten it to go.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*