@dumbbeezie

“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”

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@XplodingUnicorn

The most common things I say to my kids, by store:

Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”

Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”

Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”

@RorynotRoy

I wish someone would hold me and tell me that everything is gonna be okay and then just kinda turn into like $20,000 in cash.

@Mardigroan

So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.

@dafloydsta

[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man

@DrakeGatsby

[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]

Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up

@KeetPotato

me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”

@Shade510

My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.

@Sarcasmo718

Most meth cooks start by clicking on an ad to make $500-$800 a day working from home.

@ChrisStokdyk

Do you ever wake up, look yourself in the mirror and say, “My God, I look like a pillow” ? If so, that’s not a mirror – it’s your pillow.