“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”

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The most common things I say to my kids, by store:

Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”

Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”

Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”


I wish someone would hold me and tell me that everything is gonna be okay and then just kinda turn into like $20,000 in cash.


So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.


HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man


[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]

Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up


me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”


My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.


Most meth cooks start by clicking on an ad to make $500-$800 a day working from home.


Do you ever wake up, look yourself in the mirror and say, “My God, I look like a pillow” ? If so, that’s not a mirror – it’s your pillow.