“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
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My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Ron is short for Aaronald
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid