“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
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When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
My safe word is Worcestershire
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
thanksgiving in nutshell
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight