@spacexsam

Forever tricking animals into thinking I’m patting them when really I’m just wiping crumbs off of my hands into their fur

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@joynessthebrave

This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.

@WheelTod

For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.

@Skoogeth

At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.

The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.

This is an absolute shit investment.

@iQuoteComedy

Final Destination 5″ …well someone doesn’t understand the meaning of “Final.”

@Jake_Vig

Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.

@fillthevacuum

Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.

@DomesticGoddss

Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.

@bornmiserable

Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich

@Alohababe2011

I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit