Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
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As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt