Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
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With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
#SCOTUS one-star review
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
yall want some gasoline milk
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
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The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home