@pleatedjeans

Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night

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@Sanbel11

Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.

@TheToddWilliams

[calling in sick]

BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?

ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure

@Pumpkinbabypie

You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?

It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.

@tmoswole

To my English teachers who encouraged me to create magical works of literature as a boy. Here is my 3,007th Tweet. You can be proud.

@KeetPotato

[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”

@XplodingUnicorn

8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.

Me: You were only at school for two days.

8: You weren’t there.

@ohpegah

“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.

@PatsATweetin

The worst part about working from home is when your coworkers clog the toilet