@pleatedjeans

Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night

Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night

- @pleatedjeans

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@amore_orless

Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead

@BEEAAARR

Too bad Anne Frank never saw Home Alone. Could have been a serious game changer in my opinion.

@urmumsausername

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

@ewfeez

[spelling bee]
Your word is “coincide”
-could u use it in a sentence?
Sure: When the nickel murdered the penny it was a case of “coincide”

@WilliamAder

You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.

@danadonly

when is national “guy i have been sleeping with 3 times a week for 5 months who won’t let me call him my boyfriend” day? i want an excuse to post pics of us on instagram that he will then ask me to remove.

@jazz_inmypants

50% OF LAMP MANUFACTURERS: we should put the light switch on the bottom

OTHER 50% OF LAMP MANUFACTURERS: i hear where you’re coming from and i respect ur opinion but i think it makes more sense to put the switch right by the bulb where it’s hot and u can’t see what ur doing

@Mardigroan

I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.

@flashember

DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A

DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it

@thebeckyard

Welcome to your 40s! Your body will do new and exciting things such as sneeze-pee, yawn-burp, and light speed chin hair growth.