Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night

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I just got laid. But don’t worry, I was totally thinking about you guys the whole time.


Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.


One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.


INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me


“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”


*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*


Wife: ok, you have free reign to decide on all household decisions today…

Me: *too shocked to move or decide anything…*


“She’s dead to me” is not the best ending to a eulogy, I know this now.


[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell