Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
You Might Also Like
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
is this store having a stroke wtf
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
How it started How it’s going
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true