Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
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Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
my dream job is to be the FBI guy who nicknames criminals. someone blew up a fish market? Tunabomber. easy.
My favorite romcom is Silence of the Lambs and if you tell me it’s not a romcom well oh boy have I got a Powerpoint presentation for you.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Me: say it
Me: say “see you later alligator”
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”