Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
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[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
“you recording!?”
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”