Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
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“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
“HELP WITH CAT”
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?