@thulnicolle

Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.

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@FatherWithTwins

Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing

@fart

my dream job is to be the FBI guy who nicknames criminals. someone blew up a fish market? Tunabomber. easy.

@VolatileVani

My favorite romcom is Silence of the Lambs and if you tell me it’s not a romcom well oh boy have I got a Powerpoint presentation for you.

@the_real_bnell

The Office: Coronavirus

Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this

Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity

Angela wears a hazmat suit

Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine

@MarfSalvador

contortionist: what’s wrong?

proctologist: your head’s in the way

@david8hughes

[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”

@EJGomez

guy: my dog just died

girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog

@TheToddWilliams

HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives

ME: Glad to be here, Mort

@NotthatAdamWest

Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”