doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
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I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.