I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
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5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.