Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
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Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for