I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
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“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?