@thatUPSdude

Forget “once you go black you never go back”

I say

“For that special occasion go caucasian”

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@AndPlayDad

I don’t know what the big deal is.

Putting my toddler to bed is easy…

In fact, just tonight, I did it 25 times.

@six_2_and_even

If anyone sees that woman drying her bra by holding it out of the car window please tell her I love her

@davidbfunny

Dear waiter,

You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.

Love,
David

@UtilityLimb

I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”

@KBChicken75

Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now

@kwirkyKerri

The spider I let live in my kitchen is letting the bugs run amok. No free rides!
Your days are numbered missy.

@KentWGraham

My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.

@1evilidiot

You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.