*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
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that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.