@AsgardianRose

Forget sex positions, has anyone found a reading position that doesn’t get uncomfortable after about 5 minutes?

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@jackiembouvier

[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]

– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside

@jaslakhmna

While people argue about the glass being half empty or half full…I’ll just be drinking from the bottle !

@daemonic3

[1st date]

HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?

ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives

@GrantTanaka

listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa

@philgibson01

“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”

What do you mean?

“It’s all denty”

@LeannaZaiden

This tweet would get all dressed up and go somewhere special on a Saturday night, but unfortunately it’s married.. so it’ll just get drunk.

@squirrel74wkgn

[cat mom giving birth]

Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*

@anerdonfire2

I forced her to tell me what I was to her

Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored