Forget sex positions, has anyone found a reading position that doesn’t get uncomfortable after about 5 minutes?

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Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.


Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?


Interviewer: Where were you born?
Me: Missouri.
I: What state are you in now?
M: Apathy.
I: That’s not what I meant.
M: I don’t care.


Black Mirror really outdid themselves this time. Having us EXPERIENCE season 6 instead of watching it on Netflix? Remarkable really


They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.

Like that’s going to dissuade me.


If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.


My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.

She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.


94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down


OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for

GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome


Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.