@AsgardianRose

Forget sex positions, has anyone found a reading position that doesn’t get uncomfortable after about 5 minutes?

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@vladchoc

Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.

@wumother

Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?

@Sarcasticsapien

Interviewer: Where were you born?
Me: Missouri.
I: What state are you in now?
M: Apathy.
I: That’s not what I meant.
M: I don’t care.

@ThatgyalKrys

Black Mirror really outdid themselves this time. Having us EXPERIENCE season 6 instead of watching it on Netflix? Remarkable really

@junejuly12

They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.

Like that’s going to dissuade me.

@loret826

If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.

@XplodingUnicorn

My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.

She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.

@roywoodjr

94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down

@JillianKarger

OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for

GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome

@Josievorenkamp

Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.