[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Forget sex positions, has anyone found a reading position that doesn’t get uncomfortable after about 5 minutes?
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While people argue about the glass being half empty or half full…I’ll just be drinking from the bottle !
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
This tweet would get all dressed up and go somewhere special on a Saturday night, but unfortunately it’s married.. so it’ll just get drunk.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored