Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
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Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
spicy snake
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.