@iwearaonesie

*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*

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@HomeProbably

Everyone buries their problems in different ways.

I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.

@JermHimselfish

Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.

@CatherineLMK

I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.

@KenJennings

REAL ’90s kids will recognize this! —> Current unemployment.

@xLiserx

Trench coats are dangerous. How do you know who’s a detective, a flasher, or two muppets? You just don’t know. YOU JUST DON’T KNOW!!

@UnFitz

Them: You have a choice-

Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.

@caithuls

[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…

@climaxximus

my crush: do you wanna go out?

me: haha sure

CDC: [rips off hot girl mask] WRONG ANSWER