[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog

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On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.

Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.


“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday


Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.

Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.


Shout out to the creepy guy sitting in your bedroom chair who turns into clothes as soon as you turn on the lights.


Expecting an idiot to admit they’re wrong feels a lot like trying to put socks on an octopus.


I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”


I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.

*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*


Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me