@Ygrene

[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog

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@hg47

On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.

Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.

@birbigs

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

@PinkCamoTO

Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.

Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.

@SamuelHLowe

Shout out to the creepy guy sitting in your bedroom chair who turns into clothes as soon as you turn on the lights.

@JaneBadall

Expecting an idiot to admit they’re wrong feels a lot like trying to put socks on an octopus.

@caseytduncan

I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”

@CantWaitToNap

I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.

*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*

@INDlAN_

Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me