[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
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dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.