[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
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[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.