[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
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Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Yep.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Whoa 😂
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
thanks auntie mary