“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
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The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
When your best mate counts as a desk too
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
plant them where lol
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.