Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
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I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
the rocks need my help
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.