Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
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Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.