Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
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Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Go hard or stay average
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
gentlemen, hear me out
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
for all #parents out there
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
what’s the point then??
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
it’s either covid or clever vampires
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette