“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
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Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
“That’s what” – She
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
new career option?
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card