“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

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If my phone is so “smart” how come it keeps letting me drunk dial my ex


Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?

Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.


-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.


We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.


Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.


Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings


*standing over your shoulder while you read a book I recommended*
You arent laughing I usually laugh at this part why do you hate it so much


Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?


Before you and ya girl get married, ask her if she would leave you for Michael B. Jordan. If she says “no”, drop her cause ain’t no point in building a marriage based on lies


me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries

kfc: you mean potato wedges?

me: yes potato wedges please