@GlennyRodge

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

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@SaraThomas84

If my phone is so “smart” how come it keeps letting me drunk dial my ex

@Darlainky

Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?

Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.

@SadMeterologist

-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.

@alextranquada

We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.

@Just__J0

Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.

@pittdave13

Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha

@iamspacegirl

*standing over your shoulder while you read a book I recommended*
You arent laughing I usually laugh at this part why do you hate it so much

@MelvinofYork

Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?

@OkigboHTX

Before you and ya girl get married, ask her if she would leave you for Michael B. Jordan. If she says “no”, drop her cause ain’t no point in building a marriage based on lies

@Cycloptomese

me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries

kfc: you mean potato wedges?

me: yes potato wedges please