I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
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4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Bobby pin
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.