The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
You Might Also Like
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
what day is it?
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row