The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
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You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Hey, hot girl at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number instead of hers : the jokes on you, I just won Oilers tickets and a Bud Light poncho
ME: I’ve beaten my drug addiction!
FRIEND: that’s great!
ME: now I’m addicted to coffee.
FRIEND: thats ok tho, coffee isn’t bad for you.
ME: [cutting up two lines of coffee grounds on a mirror]
ME: you want some?
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
I’m not racist.
Some of my best friends are white such as Joey, Phoebe and Rachel. And I can’t forget Chandler.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Unless you don’t like each other
Then it’s pretty okay