@Brianhopecomedy

Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.

You Might Also Like

@onbrandbrandonn

The 5 Love Languages

Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me

Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe

Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind

Gift Giving: give me a sign

Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time

@linanneblack

You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

@JessObsess

The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.

@mrjohndarby

interviewer: how’s your handwriting?

me: oh not bad

interviewer: what about the other letters?

@consensualcline

Hey, hot girl at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number instead of hers : the jokes on you, I just won Oilers tickets and a Bud Light poncho

@sonictyrant

ME: I’ve beaten my drug addiction!

FRIEND: that’s great!

ME: now I’m addicted to coffee.

FRIEND: thats ok tho, coffee isn’t bad for you.

ME: [cutting up two lines of coffee grounds on a mirror]

FRIEND:

ME: you want some?

@cigarin

In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”

@TheDailySchmuck

I’m not racist.

Some of my best friends are white such as Joey, Phoebe and Rachel. And I can’t forget Chandler.

@pleatedjeans

[driving to occult ceremony]

“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”

[2 hours later]

[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER

@drayzze

Distance sucks

Unless you don’t like each other

Then it’s pretty okay