Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
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My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
called in thicc to work this morning
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
This kid is a star!
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees