my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
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you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend