Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
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Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…