Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
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Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
two people or more is called a problem
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave