Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.

You Might Also Like


I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do


god: rabbits

angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing

god: ya they do that

angel: they’re multiplying

god: they’ll slow down

angel: they aren’t slowing down

god: holy shit

angel: they won’t stOP FU

[ next day ]

god: porcupines


If I tell you I’m “breaking out the fine china,” I just mean the expensive paper plates.


Me: Hey kid what do you want for dinner?

8: Do you have cheese?

Me: yes

8: Do you have ham?

Me: yes

8: Do you have bread and mayo?


8: I want spaghetti


[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*


I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?


Me to 4 yr old niece:
your shoes are on the wrong feet
Niece looks down and says:
I don’t have any other feet

Outsmarted again.



I yelled at my gynecologist