Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
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I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Revere rides a horse saying “The British are Coming”and it’s heroic but I hop a pogo stick naked screaming “look at me”and it’s probation?
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
No. I’m not pregnant.
That’s my liver.
Advisor: Have you thought about an end-of-life gift?
Me: I’ll be dead, that’s a big enough gift for everyone
Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children