Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
You Might Also Like
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.