Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
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Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée